It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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