My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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