After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
