Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
