pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
