I wish I could teleport
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
