My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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