I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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