he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
