I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Dignity is for republicans.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
