Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
