my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
