Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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