dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
