Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
