people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
