Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
