Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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