Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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