WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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