we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
