Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize