I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
