I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
