wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
