What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
