Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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