true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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