I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
P.S. I can't hear my feet
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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