if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
My cat gives me a boner
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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