So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
