If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
