bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
