I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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