She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
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