I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Semen is not good for contacts.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
