i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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