When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
May the power of my ass compel you!!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
