these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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