I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
