I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
