I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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