just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
