not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
