the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
