you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
