I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
