I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
