you didnt know i had herpes?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
