I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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