I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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