it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
