nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
