So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
