just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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