I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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