Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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