i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
