I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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