good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize